That barren spot...a story from my garden

Back before winter was over, we made the decision to take down the old plum tree. It didn't bare edible fruit. It just dropped dirty plops on the cement that stained the concrete, stunted all the plant growth around and under it and blocked the light from hitting the boys window. I tend to the think this is the effect of sin in our lives, so this tree has been a teaching example to me. Since becoming homeowners, there has always been a temptation to not be content in what we have, wanting more, (being tempted to think we NEED more), but this one spot in the garden has been a huge instrument in teaching me all we need is Christ. When we come in humility to the grace-filled Savior, we come face to face with light; we are a new creation. Let me explain in terms of my garden.

The barren spot I wrote about in my last post is now flooded with wild flowers planted from seed! They seemed to sprout so slow that I was tempted to think nothing would come of them. I complained about the soil, damaged from the tree and all it dropped and left behind...(I'm still finding twigs and shoots from that tree in the same way I still find places of sin in my life. While they are no longer my master, they often come out in times of selfishness and fear. The weeds tend to come out when I've neglected my garden or busyness draws me away. What an illustration that is for how we should tenderly care for our spiritual growth.) But, this spot is FULL of beauty and wildness. It isn't planned like the rest of my garden. It hasn't been trained to look a certain way. I didn't plan for water needs, light needs, hardiness. I scattered seeds and let them be and now look at them! So many beautiful colors, some dainty stems and some thick and strong. The flowers are surrounded by foxglove, clematis and columbine finished blooming for their season so their wildflower friends can fully show off their colors and demand all the attention.

This is the light of Christ, being grafted into Him, displaying a new creation, what once was barren is now blooming with the proof of the gospel. Derek is currently preaching through a series on evangelism: telling the truth. It's been powerful in reminding me that we respond to God's grace by proclaiming Him in ALL we do. This garden proclaims Him, so should I! For all I did was scatter the seeds and water them occasionally. But oh man, what if the seeds I scatter are gospel truths scattered in soil ready for planting by someone else who has tilled the ground with gospel truths, and someone else waters the ground with gospel truth. All of this is accomplished by the grace of God. No longer would we see a rotten-fruit bearing tree, but a harvest of beautiful wild flowers eager to display the glory of God.

Maybe that is a lot to get out of a barren spot in my garden, but oh how thankful I am.

Stories from my garden

Derek and I bought our first home in the summer of 2016.  The first thing we did was buy paint! A 5 gallon bucket of paint! We painted the walls which made our home really our home. We had never painted walls before, so over the last year we've painted all but one wall in our house. And that one wall has limited time left to contemplate it's beige state.

Before becoming homeowners I had never grown a vegetable or flower. I had planted some annuals for Mother's Day gifts, but never tended a garden, sowed a seed, or considered the acidity of soil, the hours of sun in a particular spot, or the heritage of seeds. That has all changed. I watched, pregnant with my daughter and eager to dig in to the soil, a full year, tracking the sun, tracking the first and last frost, tracking the flowers and shrubs already in the garden, making my plan, second guessing it, and then committing my husband to some instesive physical labor.

First to go was the ornamental plum tree, a.k.a. The mullet tree, from our front garden patch. It was such a hard decision that I debated with myself, chop it down, leave it up, try to prune it, that can never be pruned! But, alas, after a year or talking myself into it, the tree came down and the flowers bloomed! Bearded iris that didn't get enough sun in the shade of the tree sprung up with gusto and bloomed beautifully! Creeping myrtle that really was creeping slowly, stunted, started marathon covering the ground with purple flowers and evergreen foliage. Bachelor's button that wasn't amazing in the first place seemed to grow a foot higher than the previous summer. But left behind was a big brown, dirt spot too shaded for anything to have grown previously.

This has been the absolute best barren area of my life! Where there was nothing, there are some many things growing now! There are plants from friends, family, volunteers from the bees and a family hobby "taking root!"

My daughter awoke for the Royal Wedding...at 130...A...M! She seemed to feel very strongly that we should be awake and eager to watch the bride and groom and all the many fascinators.  There were tears... but not at the beauty of the bride or the sweet music or the passionate oratory from the Reverend. No, the tears involved a very tired baby struggling to communicate her needs and wants and hurts. And this is such a true illustration of how I act sometimes, too. Where she is struggling with tummy issues that leave her in pain, I deal with heart issues that ultimately lead into pain when not fully submitted to a gracious Heavenly Father.

My uncle posted recently that prayer is an act of telling God that we aren't okay with our current character and heart orientation. Instead of prayer being the time where we ask for blessings, its a time of acknowledging that our character has not been made fully perfect, and is in dire need of God's intervention. I find myself in need of this daily as a mom and as a wife. Instead of screaming out my frustrations in the day to day grind of feeding, snuggling, cleaning little ones, I want to besiege the Lord for a deeper understanding of Grace and to let that understanding change my heart and inform my mind and command my actions. In this I know I will find hardship and trials. But it's there that I will have strength and heart to love and snuggle my daughter at 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 a...m...

Either way, wataching a royal wedding with my little girl in the middle of the night turned out to be a pretty sweet moment that I'm sure when I've had more rest will be a treasure to remember.

Is this thing still on??!!

Googled "Anlee"'s name today...really meant to google the local cupcake shop, but was having a mental moment and googled the name instead. Found out Anlee is a popular Japanese anime character... then found our family blog! And took a trip down memory lane readying about our history...friendship, dating, marriage, kids...then the season when we didn't have interest. So, is this thing still on???

There will be crumbs

Life with children involved a lot of mess! Yesterday I was reminded to enjoy it and not stress the mess. A friends husband was loading a car seat in my van and in the process emptied the contents of his sons car seat snack graveyard all over. He was so apologetic. And all I could think... "There will be crumbs!"  Abundant, wrong place at the wrong time, sticky crumbs. But we will remember the fun day we had singing songs in the backseat and calling each other silly gooses... Yes, gooses is correct! The van floor may be littered with crumbs, but what a fun time that was had getting them there! 

In the same way I see the journey of sanctification resembling this conversation with my friends husband. There will be crumbs, crumbles of our old self still in need of cleaning up, shaking out of the hard to reach places. But oh what great mercy is found when they are brought to light and laid at the foot of the cross. 

I'm thankful for crumbs today. 

NEW SEASON | new blog

It's been a while since I've blogged, mostly because being a mother to two awesome little boys is time consuming, and FUN...so much fun, and challenging...! Learning to shepherd our two growing men has been similar to a summer session college course; incredibly in depth, keeps your interest piqued, and teaches you more than you thought your brain was capable of handling. It's been a crash course in GRACE! In seeing degrees of unwavering mercy! In seeing God's steadfast hand over each and every breath we take and inviting Him into the decisions we make. In watching my husband grow and mature into a pastor and walking our family through the changes that ministry life entails. Growing deeper roots in our community and continuing to plant ROOTS CHURCH. Life. has. not. been. slow!

Blogs are coming back with a new perspective...that being that this isn't about me and how well I'm doing or how well our family is doing. This is about what we are learning as a family about purpose, living lives that reflect the reality of the GOSPEL, working the kinks out in this thing called sanctification, and sharing our delight in ministry for the glory of God. And there will be cute pictures of our two little cuties!

Waiting on baby to arrive is hard work!! But in the meantime there are so many cute things going on in our family life. 

Ezra is sleeping through the night almost every night! And we are at a point where we feel confident in our decision to co-sleep that we could care less what people say about Ezra still sleeping with us. We get to snuggle with this sweet babe every morning! And when I wake up to go to the bathroom what seems like every 10 minutes, I wake up to a sweet arm curled around me or Ezra snuggled into his dadas chest. 

Ezra's vocabulary is growing by leaps and bounds. My favorite word of the week is "all aboard!" 

Sweet boy rubs my feet each night when dad gives me a daily foot massage... Yes this is our love language and I LOVE it! 

Ezra folds his hands in prayer but don't count on him to close his eyes. Not happening. 

And don't touch his Thomas the tank engine! You are likely to lose a hand!! 

Hugs and kisses galore!!

Time with Mr. Bugs

Self-proclaimed "captain adorable" is 20 months old and only days to a few short weeks from meeting his little brother. It's hard to believe that I have watched this little person grow and change every day of his life. Every milestone. Every fall and scrape on the knee. First words. First kiss. First food. It's been just us two every day, laughing, crying, sometimes screaming, dancing, staring at the ceiling fan, playing in the park, doing life together until daddy got home from work. 

You are my sweet, precious boy. 

And soon our lives as we know it are going to change. How are you going to respond to your baby? How will you react to mommy dividing her time between you and brother? How will I feel about our loss of exclusive us time? I'm going to finally be forced to share you! 

I have loved my time with just you mr. Bugs. You have changed your momma for the better. Morning snuggles will always be available as will hugs, endless kisses and moments of moms pure insanity. 

Love you bugs. S

Family

I am so thankful for my family. I'm thankful for how they each have unique personalities, how honest and transparent they are. How they can drive you completely mad and still be incredibly loveable. How they communicate and share their emotions. How they are predictable and how they are able to completely surprise you. How we can laugh, cry, scream, repeat. 

My family is a melting pot of traits, quirks and incredible generosity and compassion that I'm struggling to be so far away from. 

My hope for the future is that my children will play in my parents back yard, enjoy sleepovers with cousin Caleb, sail with papa, eat nanas banana pudding and of course be little bulldawgs!

  

Tales of mommy hood...

I'm pretty sure I've faced more situations over the course of the last 19 months than I ever thought imaginable! 

Just this week... We are dog sitting for our Langhoff friends while they are out of town. Abby is a sweet dog but usually has a bell that hangs from the door that she rings to let you know she has "business to take care of..." Well, her bell didn't make the trip with her so we hit a snag on her first day with us. It was that moment as a mom that I was experiencing pure bliss... Ezra was playing quietly by himself giving me a quiet moment for myself. This doesn't happen too often so I went to check on him and low and behold, Ezra was playing with what I thought were "rocks." Turns out they were not rocks but Abby turd pellets. Now I bet you can guess my reaction, but sadly you are probably mistaken. I didn't freak out but calmly inspected his mouth to see if he had mistaken the "rocks" for brownies. Not this time. 

We washed Ezra's hands, left the toy for dad to clean up...(dad handles all poop situations)...and carried on with our day. 

Why so calm? This isn't our first run in with dog poop. We have had two previous dog poop incidents which sadly led us to relocate our yorkie back to Georgia. Fool me once...

And as tales of mommy hood go, we have other poop tales that are sure to make a non-parent gag. Just recently our Houdini baby had taken off his diaper in order to check to make sure his manhood was still there... Boys will be boys... Ezra, again, playing quietly while I washed dishes, calmly approached me with something black on his fingers. Always aware that we could have run into a poop situation and knowing Ezra hates dirty hands I immediately washed his hands and went in search of the mystery substance. I located said substance in the middle of the living room hardwood floor! Not the dog. Ezra had relieved himself without his diaper on the hardwood! So thankful our home is wall to wall hardwood! Again, this is gross no matter who you are, but has become a part of my life. I could write endless blogs about the poop that has filled my days as a parent, but I'll save some for another time. 

I hope you weren't eating while reading this today. I was eating a bagel and drinking coffee while typing this out. Shows you how parenthood changes you!  

Lastly, there should be some universal law out there that pregnant women should NEVER have to deal with poop, child, dog, etc. I can sheepishly admit to losing my lunch on Ezra during several diaper changes early in my first trimester. 

...oh the joys of baby making/raising...

Working on thankfulness

Some days I question going back to work. I think about the benefits of going back into the world of business. I think about how working would allow for me to have something of my own, somewhere to channel my education, my nature to work hard, ambition that has gone slightly stale, social networking with coworkers, possibly being in the car by myself, dressing for work in real clothes not covered with breakfast, lunch, snack, snot and dinner. I think about how going back to work would allow for the new car that I think about, new clothes on the spur of the moment, extravagant vacations or just an overnighter away from the norm, pedicures, expansive food budget, dates nights, the ability to schedule a babysitter and pay them well!! And then I look at my little man who just fell down and only wanted mamma to snuggle until his booboo stopped hurting. I think about how I get the privilege of napping with this little guy everyday, of watching him smile, learn new words, drive me crazy, pee and poop a million times a day and give me endless kisses and hugs. I could go to work and possibly buy our first home, shorten my husbands work commute or I can work on being content, teach Ezra the abcs, cuddle our baby on the way and learn to live on less. I can dream and hope for a time to take our kids to Disneyland, get that car someday, have freedom to buy whatever I want whenever I want.... Or I can enjoy each day with these Fekkes kids, teach them the value of being thankful and snuggle until they are snuggled out.  Because the truth is I want to be here each day with them. I want to change the endless diapers, scrub endless stains, count to 10 during each tantrum, and take every kiss and hug. 

A little more patience...

A little more patience, a little more GRACE...a few breaths to restore calm...and a moment to remember that I am covered by GRACE and so is my growing young son.

 Being a parent is full of joy! but it also has it's moments of pure and utter uncertainty, sometimes frustration. We are at that "moment" when E is totally aware of who he is, where he is going, but not quite how he is going to get there. We have seen our fair share of "expressive frustration" coming out of our tiny human lately. But, what I can't seem to remember in the moment is that THIS moment is teaching us both to love more deeply, to show more patience, and to lean into the One whom we were made for. I'm challenging myself this week to pray through our moments of weakness (tantrums). To be  okay when Ezra doesn't want my comfort or on the other end of the spectrum wants NOTHING but my comfort. Pray for us as we walk through this next week together. I'm growing as a mom and this young man is growing up. He is so intentional about exploring the world around him and his heart is so BIG. He is loving the SPRING weather, the flowers, the walks outside, the fun weekends when Dad is home and the fun play dates with friends. He continues to bless us, challenge us and reveal to us our Father's love. AMEN!

Ezzie, mommy and baby-on-the-way-bump

My abundant blessing - family

Seasons

You know when something good happens to someone and you comment on it and they respond, "I'm blessed." For example, someone buys a new car, their first home, goes on vacation, has a new baby, shares a smiling family photo... And we say "man they are so blessed..." 

I want to challenge us to think about how we "label" our blessings. Let's not equate our God with a genie in a lamp, one that dishes out wishes for good behavior. Let's go deeper and clarify who our God is. 

Matthew 5:3-10

3 “Blessed are the poor in spirit,
    for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
4 Blessed are those who mourn,
    for they will be comforted.
5 Blessed are the meek,
    for they will inherit the earth.
6 Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
    for they will be filled.
7 Blessed are the merciful,
    for they will be shown mercy.
8 Blessed are the pure in heart,
    for they will see God.
9 Blessed are the peacemakers,
    for they will be called children of God.
10 Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
    for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

I want to get to a place where I acknowledge Gods blessing in my struggles. In my hurt. I want to see the bigger picture, more than myself and my little world. I want to see the family friend who decided to begin hospice care as blessed for he WILL inherit the kingdom of God. This man has lived in the joy of The Lord and has suffered humbly. Derek's grandmother who recently passed was blessed by a family that surrounded her as she left this flesh to be eternally in the presence of God. She lived a life that helped bring her six children to The Lord. I want to hug my sweet friend who lost her mom and cry thanks of blessing that she had such an incredible mother grace this earth. I want to declare the child I carried for such a short time a beautiful blessing to our family. I want this season of uncertainty and upheaval to be described as a blessing, one that drew us closer to The Lord and closer together. A good song comes to mind:

What if your blessings come through raindrops

What if your healing comes through tears

What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you're near

What if my greatest disappointments or the achings of this life

Are meant to show a need this world can't satisfy

And what if trials of this life

...are your mercies in disguise...  

Songs of Lent

Today I was in my car A.L.O.N.E.!! This is a VERY rare occurrence. Ezra is ALWAYS with me. But, my mother-in-law was kind enough to volunteer to watch the little tyke while I drove to pick up Derek and have a Monday night date just-the-two-of-us! Again, somewhat rare occurrence! As I was driving, the sun was shining, my sun roof was open to the fresh air and I had the radio blaring!!! Reminded me of my pre-parent, pre-married days when I could sing out as loud as I wanted!

Early in my walk, worship music spoke the loudest. I could totally connect with God, feel the Spirit's conviction and understand the depth of Christ's abundant love through really good worship music. It ruled my heart. I would go to bed at night listening to the soul stirring refrains of Shane & Shane.

Then, I married a worship leader...and worship became something different. I saw it as a job, an occupation, something that had strings attached. I became jaded. Now, my handsome worship leader didn't become jaded. I did. He led from the heart. I stopped singing from it.

Today, my spirit SANG from the heart again. Instead of Veggie Tales silly songs (for you parents), I heard precious truth in beautiful melody. I had fresh air and fresh perspective. I wanted to share some of the lyrics that "smacked me in the face in a pleasant way" today:

"Blessings" Laura Story

We pray for blessings, we pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
And all the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if every promise from Your word is not enough
And all the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not,
This is not our home
It's not our home

What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise

"This Is Home" Switchfoot

I've got my memories
Always inside of me
But I can't go back
Back to how it was
I believe you now
I've come too far
No I can't go back
Back to how it was

Created for a place I've never known

[Chorus]
This is home
Now I'm finally where I belong
Where I Belong
Yeah, this is home
I've been searching for a place of my own
Now I've found it
Maybe this is home
This is home

Belief over misery
I've seen the enemy
And I won't go back
Back to how it was
And I got my heart set on what happens next
I got my eyes wide it's not over yet
We are miracles and we're not alone

And now after all my searching
After all my questions
I'm gonna call it home
I've got a brand new mindset
I can finally see the sunset
I'm gonna call it home

"In Christ Alone" The Getty's

In Christ alone my hope is found,
He is my light, my strength, my song;
this Cornerstone, this solid Ground,
firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace,
when fears are stilled, when strivings cease!
My Comforter, my All in All,
here in the love of Christ I stand.

In Christ alone! who took on flesh
Fulness of God in helpless babe!
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones he came to save:
Till on that cross as Jesus died,
The wrath of God was satisfied -
For every sin on Him was laid;
Here in the death of Christ I live.

There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain:
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave he rose again!
And as He stands in victory
Sin's curse has lost its grip on me,
For I am His and He is mine -
Bought with the precious blood of Christ.

No guilt in life, no fear in death,
This is the power of Christ in me;
From life's first cry to final breath.
Jesus commands my destiny.
No power of hell, no scheme of man,
Can ever pluck me from His hand;
Till He returns or calls me home,
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand.

-Anlee

40 Days of Lent: Patient in Affliction, Joyful in Hope

³ Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance,⁴ and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, ⁵ and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.(Romans 5:3-5)

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. (Romans 12:12)

How many of us really understand what the Lord means when he COMMANDS us to rejoice in our sufferings??? I'm not sure I have it just right yet, and may never. But, I'm learning. And the curve is steep. To Rejoice in my sufferings means to believe in full assurance that I'm not living for my own happiness, my own comfort, my own progress, but that I'm living with full assurance of HOPE!!! I have HOPE because I believe in God's sovereignty. I believe in his faithfulness, in His justice, in His power, in His Spirit, in His presence, in His saving Grace, His Son! 

Romans is a book I haven't sat down and dwelled in a while, many years. But, it is one that stirs my soul unlike any other. Romans always brings new life to me in a way that nothing else ever does. I find my struggle in faith, my struggle with sin, my struggle with being of the world all wrapped up in this book of few chapters. 

Let me just say that I haven't much cared for repentance lately. I haven't cared to get down on my knees and thank a God who died for me to be free of the slavery of sin. I've hit rock bottom and found myself in despair. And I've surrendered control, but not to a God who is IN control. I've just given up. I'm praying this season of Lent will renew in me a contrite heart. 

 PSALM 51: 1-17

Have mercy on me, O God,

    according to your unfailing love;

according to your great compassion

blot out my transgressions.

Wash away all my iniquity

and cleanse me from my sin.

³ For I know my transgressions,
    and my sin is always before me.
⁴ Against you, you only, have I sinned
    and done what is evil in your sight;
so you are right in your verdict
    and justified when you judge.
⁵ Surely I was sinful at birth,
    sinful from the time my mother conceived me.
⁶ Yet you desired faithfulness even in the womb;
    you taught me wisdom in that secret place.

⁷ Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;
    wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.
⁸ Let me hear joy and gladness;
    let the bones you have crushed rejoice.
⁹ Hide your face from my sins
    and blot out all my iniquity.

¹⁰ Create in me a pure heart, O God,
    and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
¹¹ Do not cast me from your presence
    or take your Holy Spirit from me.
¹² Restore to me the joy of your salvation
    and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

¹³ Then I will teach transgressors your ways,
    so that sinners will turn back to you.
¹⁴ Deliver me from the guilt of bloodshed, O God,
    you who are God my Savior,
    and my tongue will sing of your righteousness.
¹⁵ Open my lips, Lord,
    and my mouth will declare your praise.
¹⁶ You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it;
    you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.
¹⁷ My sacrifice, O God, is^[b] a broken spirit;
    a broken and contrite heart
    you, God, will not despise.

I Hope you didn't skip over the Psalm. Go back and read it again. Isn't is absolutely soul stirring? My Hope rests in this Psalm. "Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin...wash me and I will be whiter than snow...Let me hear joy and gladness...create in me a pure heart...renew a steadfast spirit within me...restore the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me...then I will teach your ways...open my lips and my mouth will declare your praise...my sacrifice is a broken spirit, a broken and contrite heart; you, God, will not despise. 

I don't have all of the answers. I'm definitely a work in progress. I mess up A LOT! But, my faith is healing. It is being restored. Our miscarriage didn't cause the lack of faith. Drifting away from God seeking my own control is what caused it. 

 Today I want to REJOICE in HOPE! I have every reason to hope and zero reasons to despair. The last thing I want to do is come off preachy. I really despise the preachy Christianeese that is rapidly overtaking blogs and social media. Right now I'm sitting next to a tangible vision of Hope. My son is eating applesauce (by himself I might add) while I actually get to think about something other than a diaper change, a bath (if we can fit it in), a walk outside (is it raining again today?), setting up car insurance, working (oh yeah, I have a job) and cooking (my least favorite choir of the day). I pray that whoever reads this has renewed HOPE. The Scripture is HIS; the interpretation is mine. Forgive me if I'm wrong.