Seasons

You know when something good happens to someone and you comment on it and they respond, "I'm blessed." For example, someone buys a new car, their first home, goes on vacation, has a new baby, shares a smiling family photo... And we say "man they are so blessed..." 

I want to challenge us to think about how we "label" our blessings. Let's not equate our God with a genie in a lamp, one that dishes out wishes for good behavior. Let's go deeper and clarify who our God is. 

Matthew 5:3-10

3 “Blessed are the poor in spirit,
    for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
4 Blessed are those who mourn,
    for they will be comforted.
5 Blessed are the meek,
    for they will inherit the earth.
6 Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
    for they will be filled.
7 Blessed are the merciful,
    for they will be shown mercy.
8 Blessed are the pure in heart,
    for they will see God.
9 Blessed are the peacemakers,
    for they will be called children of God.
10 Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
    for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

I want to get to a place where I acknowledge Gods blessing in my struggles. In my hurt. I want to see the bigger picture, more than myself and my little world. I want to see the family friend who decided to begin hospice care as blessed for he WILL inherit the kingdom of God. This man has lived in the joy of The Lord and has suffered humbly. Derek's grandmother who recently passed was blessed by a family that surrounded her as she left this flesh to be eternally in the presence of God. She lived a life that helped bring her six children to The Lord. I want to hug my sweet friend who lost her mom and cry thanks of blessing that she had such an incredible mother grace this earth. I want to declare the child I carried for such a short time a beautiful blessing to our family. I want this season of uncertainty and upheaval to be described as a blessing, one that drew us closer to The Lord and closer together. A good song comes to mind:

What if your blessings come through raindrops

What if your healing comes through tears

What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you're near

What if my greatest disappointments or the achings of this life

Are meant to show a need this world can't satisfy

And what if trials of this life

...are your mercies in disguise...  

Songs of Lent

Today I was in my car A.L.O.N.E.!! This is a VERY rare occurrence. Ezra is ALWAYS with me. But, my mother-in-law was kind enough to volunteer to watch the little tyke while I drove to pick up Derek and have a Monday night date just-the-two-of-us! Again, somewhat rare occurrence! As I was driving, the sun was shining, my sun roof was open to the fresh air and I had the radio blaring!!! Reminded me of my pre-parent, pre-married days when I could sing out as loud as I wanted!

Early in my walk, worship music spoke the loudest. I could totally connect with God, feel the Spirit's conviction and understand the depth of Christ's abundant love through really good worship music. It ruled my heart. I would go to bed at night listening to the soul stirring refrains of Shane & Shane.

Then, I married a worship leader...and worship became something different. I saw it as a job, an occupation, something that had strings attached. I became jaded. Now, my handsome worship leader didn't become jaded. I did. He led from the heart. I stopped singing from it.

Today, my spirit SANG from the heart again. Instead of Veggie Tales silly songs (for you parents), I heard precious truth in beautiful melody. I had fresh air and fresh perspective. I wanted to share some of the lyrics that "smacked me in the face in a pleasant way" today:

"Blessings" Laura Story

We pray for blessings, we pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
And all the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if every promise from Your word is not enough
And all the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not,
This is not our home
It's not our home

What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise

"This Is Home" Switchfoot

I've got my memories
Always inside of me
But I can't go back
Back to how it was
I believe you now
I've come too far
No I can't go back
Back to how it was

Created for a place I've never known

[Chorus]
This is home
Now I'm finally where I belong
Where I Belong
Yeah, this is home
I've been searching for a place of my own
Now I've found it
Maybe this is home
This is home

Belief over misery
I've seen the enemy
And I won't go back
Back to how it was
And I got my heart set on what happens next
I got my eyes wide it's not over yet
We are miracles and we're not alone

And now after all my searching
After all my questions
I'm gonna call it home
I've got a brand new mindset
I can finally see the sunset
I'm gonna call it home

"In Christ Alone" The Getty's

In Christ alone my hope is found,
He is my light, my strength, my song;
this Cornerstone, this solid Ground,
firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace,
when fears are stilled, when strivings cease!
My Comforter, my All in All,
here in the love of Christ I stand.

In Christ alone! who took on flesh
Fulness of God in helpless babe!
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones he came to save:
Till on that cross as Jesus died,
The wrath of God was satisfied -
For every sin on Him was laid;
Here in the death of Christ I live.

There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain:
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave he rose again!
And as He stands in victory
Sin's curse has lost its grip on me,
For I am His and He is mine -
Bought with the precious blood of Christ.

No guilt in life, no fear in death,
This is the power of Christ in me;
From life's first cry to final breath.
Jesus commands my destiny.
No power of hell, no scheme of man,
Can ever pluck me from His hand;
Till He returns or calls me home,
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand.

-Anlee

40 Days of Lent: Patient in Affliction, Joyful in Hope

³ Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance,⁴ and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, ⁵ and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.(Romans 5:3-5)

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. (Romans 12:12)

How many of us really understand what the Lord means when he COMMANDS us to rejoice in our sufferings??? I'm not sure I have it just right yet, and may never. But, I'm learning. And the curve is steep. To Rejoice in my sufferings means to believe in full assurance that I'm not living for my own happiness, my own comfort, my own progress, but that I'm living with full assurance of HOPE!!! I have HOPE because I believe in God's sovereignty. I believe in his faithfulness, in His justice, in His power, in His Spirit, in His presence, in His saving Grace, His Son! 

Romans is a book I haven't sat down and dwelled in a while, many years. But, it is one that stirs my soul unlike any other. Romans always brings new life to me in a way that nothing else ever does. I find my struggle in faith, my struggle with sin, my struggle with being of the world all wrapped up in this book of few chapters. 

Let me just say that I haven't much cared for repentance lately. I haven't cared to get down on my knees and thank a God who died for me to be free of the slavery of sin. I've hit rock bottom and found myself in despair. And I've surrendered control, but not to a God who is IN control. I've just given up. I'm praying this season of Lent will renew in me a contrite heart. 

 PSALM 51: 1-17

Have mercy on me, O God,

    according to your unfailing love;

according to your great compassion

blot out my transgressions.

Wash away all my iniquity

and cleanse me from my sin.

³ For I know my transgressions,
    and my sin is always before me.
⁴ Against you, you only, have I sinned
    and done what is evil in your sight;
so you are right in your verdict
    and justified when you judge.
⁵ Surely I was sinful at birth,
    sinful from the time my mother conceived me.
⁶ Yet you desired faithfulness even in the womb;
    you taught me wisdom in that secret place.

⁷ Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;
    wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.
⁸ Let me hear joy and gladness;
    let the bones you have crushed rejoice.
⁹ Hide your face from my sins
    and blot out all my iniquity.

¹⁰ Create in me a pure heart, O God,
    and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
¹¹ Do not cast me from your presence
    or take your Holy Spirit from me.
¹² Restore to me the joy of your salvation
    and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

¹³ Then I will teach transgressors your ways,
    so that sinners will turn back to you.
¹⁴ Deliver me from the guilt of bloodshed, O God,
    you who are God my Savior,
    and my tongue will sing of your righteousness.
¹⁵ Open my lips, Lord,
    and my mouth will declare your praise.
¹⁶ You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it;
    you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.
¹⁷ My sacrifice, O God, is^[b] a broken spirit;
    a broken and contrite heart
    you, God, will not despise.

I Hope you didn't skip over the Psalm. Go back and read it again. Isn't is absolutely soul stirring? My Hope rests in this Psalm. "Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin...wash me and I will be whiter than snow...Let me hear joy and gladness...create in me a pure heart...renew a steadfast spirit within me...restore the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me...then I will teach your ways...open my lips and my mouth will declare your praise...my sacrifice is a broken spirit, a broken and contrite heart; you, God, will not despise. 

I don't have all of the answers. I'm definitely a work in progress. I mess up A LOT! But, my faith is healing. It is being restored. Our miscarriage didn't cause the lack of faith. Drifting away from God seeking my own control is what caused it. 

 Today I want to REJOICE in HOPE! I have every reason to hope and zero reasons to despair. The last thing I want to do is come off preachy. I really despise the preachy Christianeese that is rapidly overtaking blogs and social media. Right now I'm sitting next to a tangible vision of Hope. My son is eating applesauce (by himself I might add) while I actually get to think about something other than a diaper change, a bath (if we can fit it in), a walk outside (is it raining again today?), setting up car insurance, working (oh yeah, I have a job) and cooking (my least favorite choir of the day). I pray that whoever reads this has renewed HOPE. The Scripture is HIS; the interpretation is mine. Forgive me if I'm wrong. 

Ash Wednesday: Preparing a wounded heart for Lent

Hi Family and Friends,

I know it has been a while...a very long while...since I've last blogged. Our little family has gone through a season of intense change, seemingly not a lot of good change. The short version goes something like this: we moved without employment to Derek's home state. We moved in with my inlaws, which was a huge blessing, but still not the easiest thing for any of us. Derek was offered a job at the company he wanted to work for (big plus). We moved into a home in a nice neighborhood believing we were starting our new, permanent life together, when shortly after moving in we found the home to be unsafe for our little man and our baby-on-the-way. Lead and other chemical compounds throughout the house caused us great concern. We broke our lease and began a search for another home. The search was so desparing. We couldn't find anything. Eventually, Derek's brother moved out of Derek's grandma's house paving the way for us to move in. The day we moved was the day we began the process of miscarrying our little babe. A week of pure agony...bed rest...doctor's calls...and finally the ultrasound that confirmed we had lost our baby in the womb. Complete and total heartbreak. We then had an onslaught of stupid things people say to parents who "lost a child that wasn't meant to be..." whatever the heck that means. Comments such as, "something was wrong and God knew you couldn't handle it," or "it was probably something genetic and God spared you from the heartache..." We know heartache. We know it daily. I know it hourly. The worst, "Time will heal you and you won't think about your loss as much..." Sadly, at this point, this just isn't true. I can actually say the word "miscarriage" now. I would say being able to say the word is part of my healing journey. But losing a baby is a wound that never fully heals. Scars last a lifetime. If you know someone who has lost a baby, please do not say things to them such as, "Well, at least you have your son and he's healthy," or "I'm sure you will have another one," and "your baby opened it's eyes and saw Jesus first." First, I'm thankful that I have my precious baby boy. He is my joy and delight. He is a miracle. But, even he can not replace the loss of our baby. Secondly, we pray for more children! When Elizabeth, in her old age, was told that SHE would have a baby...I can now relate! How joyous the news! Last, my soap box for the time being is: I have no idea what God, in HIS sovereignty, wills for babies lost in the womb. Please don't fill mothers heads with "comforting words" that scripture does not back up. It can pose as a stumbling block to their faith.... We celebrated Christmas...Ezra's second Christmas. January brought heartache again. Derek's grandmother suddenly passed, my best friend lost her precious mother, and my grandmother also passed. Despair began to creep at our door...or actually...what would not be "our door" much longer. With Derek's grandmother passing, it was decided to put her home on the market. We were given three months. This was really the bottom of the valley for us...rock bottom...can't get any worse...but it can...and it does...and in those times we have a choice to make...we can either dwell and mourn our earthly losses or we lean into the ONE we were made for...It has been a daily struggle and a daily choice to lean into our control or HIS control. My prayer during this season of Lent is that our family will grow in leaning into the comforting arms of Jesus. That we will use this season of struggle to be JOYFUL IN AFFLICTION! We are going to royally screw this up, but we are going to try. My goal is to take a break from Facebook and to journey through Lent with a heart of Thankfulness that I can share here.

Today, I am thankful for this journey. I am thankful that my husband has carried the weight of our struggle so honestly and with such integrity. When his wife turned into a crying zombie for weeks after losing a baby, he powered on. He sought God. He loved our son and he loved me. I'm thankful for the precious man that I call "bugs" and "son" and who is currently running around the house, laughing and playing. I'm thankful for the babe that I was blessed to carry, even for a short time. We call you baby #2, and I call you "E." I'm thankful that no matter how quiet God's still voice, he is STILL HEARD. Jesus sat for 40 days in the desert, praying and preparing himself to be the atonement for my sin. I want to spend 40 days seeking him and sharing him with others.