Hi Family and Friends,
I know it has been a while...a very long while...since I've last blogged. Our little family has gone through a season of intense change, seemingly not a lot of good change. The short version goes something like this: we moved without employment to Derek's home state. We moved in with my inlaws, which was a huge blessing, but still not the easiest thing for any of us. Derek was offered a job at the company he wanted to work for (big plus). We moved into a home in a nice neighborhood believing we were starting our new, permanent life together, when shortly after moving in we found the home to be unsafe for our little man and our baby-on-the-way. Lead and other chemical compounds throughout the house caused us great concern. We broke our lease and began a search for another home. The search was so desparing. We couldn't find anything. Eventually, Derek's brother moved out of Derek's grandma's house paving the way for us to move in. The day we moved was the day we began the process of miscarrying our little babe. A week of pure agony...bed rest...doctor's calls...and finally the ultrasound that confirmed we had lost our baby in the womb. Complete and total heartbreak. We then had an onslaught of stupid things people say to parents who "lost a child that wasn't meant to be..." whatever the heck that means. Comments such as, "something was wrong and God knew you couldn't handle it," or "it was probably something genetic and God spared you from the heartache..." We know heartache. We know it daily. I know it hourly. The worst, "Time will heal you and you won't think about your loss as much..." Sadly, at this point, this just isn't true. I can actually say the word "miscarriage" now. I would say being able to say the word is part of my healing journey. But losing a baby is a wound that never fully heals. Scars last a lifetime. If you know someone who has lost a baby, please do not say things to them such as, "Well, at least you have your son and he's healthy," or "I'm sure you will have another one," and "your baby opened it's eyes and saw Jesus first." First, I'm thankful that I have my precious baby boy. He is my joy and delight. He is a miracle. But, even he can not replace the loss of our baby. Secondly, we pray for more children! When Elizabeth, in her old age, was told that SHE would have a baby...I can now relate! How joyous the news! Last, my soap box for the time being is: I have no idea what God, in HIS sovereignty, wills for babies lost in the womb. Please don't fill mothers heads with "comforting words" that scripture does not back up. It can pose as a stumbling block to their faith.... We celebrated Christmas...Ezra's second Christmas. January brought heartache again. Derek's grandmother suddenly passed, my best friend lost her precious mother, and my grandmother also passed. Despair began to creep at our door...or actually...what would not be "our door" much longer. With Derek's grandmother passing, it was decided to put her home on the market. We were given three months. This was really the bottom of the valley for us...rock bottom...can't get any worse...but it can...and it does...and in those times we have a choice to make...we can either dwell and mourn our earthly losses or we lean into the ONE we were made for...It has been a daily struggle and a daily choice to lean into our control or HIS control. My prayer during this season of Lent is that our family will grow in leaning into the comforting arms of Jesus. That we will use this season of struggle to be JOYFUL IN AFFLICTION! We are going to royally screw this up, but we are going to try. My goal is to take a break from Facebook and to journey through Lent with a heart of Thankfulness that I can share here.
Today, I am thankful for this journey. I am thankful that my husband has carried the weight of our struggle so honestly and with such integrity. When his wife turned into a crying zombie for weeks after losing a baby, he powered on. He sought God. He loved our son and he loved me. I'm thankful for the precious man that I call "bugs" and "son" and who is currently running around the house, laughing and playing. I'm thankful for the babe that I was blessed to carry, even for a short time. We call you baby #2, and I call you "E." I'm thankful that no matter how quiet God's still voice, he is STILL HEARD. Jesus sat for 40 days in the desert, praying and preparing himself to be the atonement for my sin. I want to spend 40 days seeking him and sharing him with others.
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